May 20, 2018, 11:38am: Some of this looks familiar to me now from past posts. Who's the funny TV star this time? You know better than me, unfortunately for you. I should add that there was a large group of familiar production crew gathered outside the convenience store yesterday morning. Did they say they were Ellen's workers? Why did they say that? Maybe they know who stole the below comedy script and spread it out over multiple broadcasts. Did they help her to steal my blogs? No answer, eh? Sure was a lot of them. She probably needed a lot of staff for that task. Do they visit the stores in my vicinity often? How about the taverns? Just wondering. And you can tell them that the only reason my material was handed over to Ellen was to make it less amusing.
I had a look at some posts from a couple years ago and I just need to say a few more words about that trip to Europe. I wanted to see Germany because my father went there for Octoberfest and had a good time. I recall my visit there with pleasure. And there's still one more thing that needs saying.
Like I said before, I lied and told my Polish friend I was a Jew. (I couldn't help it. I'll explain why later.) I had a thin moustache and goatee back then, plus I had a big frizzy afro and wore a dashiki. The women loved it. But I didn't realize what an ass I was being when I pointed to 'Buchenwald' on the signpost at the train station and said, smiling, to my German companion, 'one-way tickets only for that destination, right?' She did not appreciate my humour, and I don't blame her. She'd seen that sign every day of her life up to then, and probably never once thought of the war. Such observations by foreign visitors are discomforting to Germans, but such was the unforgettable disaster of National Socialism. And this is why no one hates the Fuehrer more than his own people, because, in some ways, he hurt them more than he hurt us.
It's not a good place to masquerade as a Jew. I couldn't help it. I'd just recently visited the 'Achterhuis' in Amsterdam and had been unwittingly possessed by the ghost of Anne Frank. Her handwriting is so impressive that I leaned in to get a close look at it and wham! She just took over. She didn't want to go to Germany. She said, 'if you go there, I'll make you pay for it.' But I didn't listen. And look at me now. Look how my life has been ever since, always trapped in attics, writing diary notes. As if that's a coincidence. No one understands me. They think I'm mocking her in that comedy script when I'm really just poking fun at myself - exaggerating to the extreme, of course, especially about the gender stuff. Oh well, I didn't notice their dislike of me at the time because their beer is so good. For instance, in one bar, a group of silver haired men reached up and got the wine flutes hanging from the rack above them to simulate marching legs. My Polish friend apparently saw the image at once, but I just saw the glasses as swinging pendulums at the time. He was an exceptional sport. Anyway, if you need to pretend you're a Jew, you're probably better off to do it in Israel. I haven't tried that yet. We all learn about antisemitism in school and it is a very real thing. One person who knows about hating Jews and calling everyone they hate a Jew is that guy that was playing those college concerts a few years back, the blond one. What do they call him again? Hateful? Or am I confusing him with Ellen Degeneres? You'd see the resemblance if you saw him.
The Fuehrerbunker was finally destroyed by the Germans in the 1980's. They had to blast through half a mile of reinforced concrete, chipping away with high explosives over four decades, so determined were they to obliterate Hitler's memory. (However, if you want to shoot a film there, they saved the nearby Ministerbunker.) Berlin never wanted Hitler. It was a communist stronghold. In 1932, Berlin's Red Front was openly threatening to blow up the bottoms of bourgeoises. Suddenly, in marched the hated brownshirts, their leader boasting that they were greeted by flowers, his legal prosecutor, Hans Litton, correcting him in court by adding, 'with the plant pods still attached.' At that time, Germans could not have anticipated the Reichstag fire and the outlawing of opposition parties that were just around the corner, effectively making them the first people Hitler conquered. This was altogether his personal ambition and they were helpless against it.
Josef Goebbels dreamed up the caper of burning the Reichstag and blaming the party's enemies, the clever prick, and he proceeded to overpower the population with news broadcasts. First they said that the future was bright; everyone was getting a new car. Then they said the country was being invaded by Polish horsemen. After that, they just said anything and their listeners went along with it. Germans paid dearly for trusting those broadcasts. Now everyone thinks they're gullible. We see a cult disciple selling flowers at the airport, and instantly assume he's German. Or a man is arrested after a long career impersonating a gynaecologist, and we think, 'where would anyone fall for a simple stunt like that?' It's not their fault that the radio lied to them. The news was all mixed in with their favourite music and cinema, where it appeared credible. How could Beethoven be wrong about Stalingrad?
While the people would wear the shame of their government's crimes, these crimes were committed in secret, without popular consent. Had they known about the genocide program, they would have opposed it, as they did the earlier public program of 'euthanizing' the disabled. And yet, tender frauleins were interrupted from writing their diaries, dragged from their hamlets, and forced to walk through the death camps, as if it was all their fault. No, it was all Hitler's fault, and Germans hate him for it. They hate him more than we do because, on top of being a bloodthirsty tyrant, he was incompetent: he lost the war. They wish to forget about the war now, and to look at their roadsigns without worrying too much about where they're going. I think they deserve that, and we should try not to talk about Hitler around them, especially in any light way. I hope they're not reading this.
So the Germans hate Hitler, they just fucking hate him. Look what happened to culture under the Nazis. Let's start with music. Piano wire got more use for executions than it did for music under the Nazis. And how about that Lily Marlene? It sounds like someone drowning. They could have used a peppy group like the Andrews Sisters, I think, but Hitler would have none of it. And they tried to subtract all art movements that had occurred since the invention of the camera and start over with see-through anatomical figures. (I won't argue with their Parade of the Amazons though, if only for one day of the year.) Literature also suffered under the Nazis, with more books being used as kindling than being read. As a people with a proud and noble cultural tradition before the 1930's, you can just imagine how upset the Germans are about it. So remember all this and don't talk about Hitler in front of them. It's not nice.
They tried to kill him, you know, they really tried. He was a tough target. A wall of Aryan salutes always went up around him, blocking the shot. One assassin tried to poison his creamed vegetables, but he forgot to bring a napkin and had to wear the bowl on his head. Another threw a grenade at him in the park, but Blondi caught it and returned it. They tried three times to explode him and only managed to shred his pant leg. The guy was indestructible or something. It was all those ancient swastikas, maybe, giving him luck. That's why he wanted so many of the damn things. Nevertheless, he moved into the impenetrable Fuhrerbunker after the last explosion, which must have felt as safe to him as his tomb. It was a long time ago and let's bury him now. But we can't bury his jawbone because the Russians still have it.
And if you're in a park with a German girl, watching someone toss a frisbee out to a German Shepherd, don't ask her about that flying saucer that allegedly crashed in the Black Forest in 1935. She probably knows nothing about it. And don't ask about the time machine either. If that worked, they would have been ready for D-Day. And don't push it. Don't ask her about that centuries-old woodcut from Nuremberg, depicting aerial warfare. That has long since proven to have been an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the church, using available pyrotechnics in order to scare the peasants from joining the Lutherans. That's just another war she doesn't need to fret about. It's also impolite, if you've been standing there for a while, to encourage her to start doing aerobic exercises. Just let her get going on her own with that. She won't disappoint you. And for Christ's sake, don't ask her to guess what you're thinking. They're not telepathic, except with other Germans. Believe me, you'll be glad I told you all this if you ever go traveling.
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