Girl Logic

Girl Logic
(A tea room. A matronly woman sits with a ten-year-old girl.)

Instructor: Hello, girls! I hope you're ready for another lesson in Girl Logic. I'm Gail, your instructor, and this is my niece, Jennifer. (Applause.)

Thank you for sending us some more examples of your beautiful handwriting, proving the superiority of your language centers. See here how elaborately Jennifer made her 'J'? (She holds up what might pass for a page from the manuscript of the King James Bible. Applause.) Keep up the good work, ladies. One day you may be called upon to write a menu on a chalkboard. Recent studies have shown that you possess an innate gift for shorthand, as well, with prefabricated contractions all ready to go in your brains. Some of you can string as many as twenty-five syllables along one distinctive hump. However, before you write things down, it's important to check your spelling.

Do you girls know how to activate your subtitles? You just plug your ears when someone's talking and they come right on. It gives you a chance to read more than just storybooks. Jennifer, would you like to try? Plug your ears and I'll say the right word for your pretty penmanship. (The girl complies and the word appears onscreen as it is spoken:) Calligraphy. Okay you can take out your fingers. Did you see it?

Jennifer: (Spelling) C - A - L - L - I - G - R - A - P - H - Y. (Applause.)

Instructor: Very good! Did you see it at home? I hope so. Don't expect your brothers to see it, though. (Someone knocks on the door behind them.) That must be Gerald. (She rises and admits a middle-aged man in suspenders.) Gerald, you're just in time to help the girls with their subtitles. Go ahead, say a word. Girls, get ready. (Jennifer plugs her ears again.)

Gerald: (With subtitle) Omnatopia.

Jennifer: (Misspelling 'onomatopoeia') O - M - N - A -

Instructor: No, no, that is incorrect.

Gerald: It is?

Underhill: Yes, and thank you, Gerald, for not only highlighting a masculine weakness, but the perils posed by using subtitles around bad spellers. And that's all we have time for today on Girl Logic. (Applause.) Until our next lesson, this is Gail and Jennifer telling you boys out there to leave the aerial cartwheels to us.
  
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© 2007, 2018. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

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