Modern Modesty: Women's Fashion

Is this new? I could use a break from the rewrites. No one else knows how to write my scripts, least of all the offenders listed on my Copyright Issues page. Good day and welcome to Modern Modesty. I'm your host, Hi Galloper. I was strolling down an old street the other day, that one with all the pretty red lanterns strung up along the side, when I had the shock of my life. A slinky young lady in leotards got in front of me and wouldn't let me past her poised posterior! Then she turned her head and said bulldoze me! Well, it was a hot day, and I almost lost control. I almost whistled at her. Boy, I can't believe how far modesty has slid in the five centuries since Michelangelo painted that mural on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, helping visitors to see how Christian heaven was going to be even funner than pagan Rome. Up to then, women were still under control. Ancient wisdom dictates a strict dress code for women. They're supposed to wear a saucer over their heads, covered by a layers and layers of white sheets. A man's not allowed to see her arms or legs or anything, just a white blob, flapping in the wind. That way, he can stay out of trouble. Then those Renaissance artists got going with their realistic paintings. Leonardo captured Mona Lisa's simper. Once women had their faces out, they started pushing. Down went the neckline, slowly, imperceptibly, across the decades, until the world's most perilous evils would be added to by the tantalizing bulge of exposed cleavage. This accomplished, they started pulling up on their skirts, though only in saloons, at first. The invention of the bicycle, however, soon forced them to do away with long skirts altogether, and Marilyn Monroe finally won that campaign for them in the 1950's when she shot that scandalous scene for Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. I'm sure there are lots of modest women out there who are good, conscientious Christians, and recognize the serious threat posed by overt displays of their feminine charms. Their best bet is to let a man like me tell them what to hide. We'll start with the breasts. Do you have a roll of duck tape? Maybe get a friend to help you. Wrap that tape around there tight. Once that's done, you start wrapping yourself in a cast. Leave enough room to move your arms and legs, and maybe a couple of holes to let you get in and out for hygiene. A final outer wrapping with barbed wire is encouraged but not essential. And don't forget to cover your head with a garbage bag. You might not make the cover of Vogue, but you'll outshine the angels in God's eyes, I think. Of course, these are only contemporary solutions. Once everyone's floating around in space, wearing those bulky spacesuits, we won't have to worry about it so much anymore. Until then, for Modern Modesty, this is Hi Galloper, saying, keep it decent.
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© 2018. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.