The Fuehrerbummer

The Fuehrerbummer
It's Saturday and I wanted to post some extra scripts. I know you're used to them on Saturday.

(The Fuehrerbunker, late April, 1945. A Russian shell has exploded close to the entrance, reverberating loudly in the war room, where a general braces at a table with a colonel.)

General: Oh no.

Colonel: Do you think it woke him? (Enter a visibly depleted Fuehrer. At the sight of him, the officers turn to each other in dismay.)

Fuehrer: We are going to win the war! I've just had the most reassuring dream. We were parading in triumph through Moscow. The crowds were ecstatic! I tell you, it was just like the old days.

General: Can you tell us how we did it, mine Fuehrer?

Fuehrer: Not yet. I need to dream some more. Send a full pint of cream to my chamber.

General: (Saluting) At once, mine Fuehrer. (Exit the Fuehrer. The general turns to the colonel and shakes his head with incredulity.)

(An hour later. Another tremendous blast disturbs the officers' card game. Enter the Fuehrer. The officers despondently rise to attention.)

Fuehrer: We are going to win the war! I just had some more of that dream. I was viewing a film of the most incredible explosion, powerful enough to destroy a whole city in one blast! It had to be an atomic bomb. This will change everything.

General: Are you sure it is ours, mine Fuehrer?

Fuehrer: I think so. It was playing on a vast screen behind me in Red Square. Then I slowly ascended to a place of glory on some sort of victory pedestal. I've never seen such a happy crowd! Just one odd thing.

General: Yes?

Fuehrer: They weren't heiling me with Aryan salutes, just cheering madly for me. I guess I'll have to take one more nap and try to get to the bottom of it. Have Doctor Morell prepare an injection and meet me in my chamber.

General: (Saluting) At once, mine Fuehrer. (Exit the Fuehrer. As soon as he leaves, they go back to their card game.)

(An hour later. The shelling continues. Fully clothed, the officers hump their secretaries on the table when yet another shell lands too close and shakes the whole room. Immediately, the couples disengage and return to their feet. Enter the Fuehrer.)

Fuehrer: (Solemnly) Send Eva to my chamber, along with two cyanide capsules and a Lugar.

General: But what about your pedestal of victory?

Fuehrer: It is a man sized birdcage, with a collapsing floor! I am bound, hand and foot, with a noose around my neck!

Colonel: (To himself) No wonder they were cheering.

Fuehrer: Hurry up! I do not want to die like Jude Suss!

General: (Saluting) They are waiting for you in the box, mine Fuehrer. (The Fuehrer checks and finds the items.)

Fuehrer: How did you know?

General: I wouldn't dream of telling you, mine Fuehrer.
  
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2018. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Don't Shoot Me

Don't Shoot Me Another one I pulled off that documentary. Classic hyperbole. Probably repeating the same stages of development, if you're saving it over intervals. Looks like the boring blogger was the life of their party - again. Please erase all outside posts that show too many similarities with my posts and enforce my copyright protection. It was terrible. They gathered us into a barn and lined us up to be shot. I was at the back, and when it got to be my turn, I said, 'Don't shoot me.' And he said, 'Why not?' And I said, 'Because I asked you not to.' And he shot me! Shot me in the hair. And I went down and played dead. But he came over and poked me in the abdomen with his rifle and made me twitch. And my eyes opened and there he was. I just looked up at him helplessly and said, 'Don't shoot me.' And he shot me again! Shot me in the appendix. I lay there for a minute until he was satisfied he'd killed me, and
Read more

The Netherwork: Flush with Enthusiasm

The Netherwork: Flush with Enthusiasm Their true evil must be a lot less funny to people now that everyone knows who wrote these scripts about them. I don't mind re-experiencing the laughs that first gave rise to these works, but consumers of my comedy would have had a lot more laughs by now if I didn't have to spend so much time recovering it. (In a rustic cottage, a network executive concludes an intimate interview with a journalist.) Journalist: I know that you broadcasters have been accused of being a bunch of elitist snobs, but now that you've invited me here and let me watch you split your own wood for the fireplace, I can see that those accusations were way out of line. Executive: Well, I hope that your readers will soon share your revelation. Journalist: Don't worry, they will. Mind if I use the bathroom before I go? Executive: No, not at all. (Pointing) It's down the hall, first door on your left. Journalist: Thank you. (He
Read more

Girl Logic

Girl Logic (A tea room. A matronly woman sits with a ten-year-old girl.) Instructor: Hello, girls! I hope you're ready for another lesson in Girl Logic . I'm Gail, your instructor, and this is my niece, Jennifer. (Applause.) Thank you for sending us some more examples of your beautiful handwriting, proving the superiority of your language centers . See here how elaborately Jennifer made her 'J'? (She holds up what might pass for a page from the manuscript of the King James Bible. Applause.) Keep up the good work, ladies. One day you may be called upon to write a menu on a chalkboard. Recent studies have shown that you possess an innate gift for shorthand, as well, with prefabricated contractions all ready to go in your brains. Some of you can string as many as twenty-five syllables along one distinctive hump. However, before you write things down, it's important to check your spelling. Do you girls know how to activate your subtitles? You
Read more