Madonna Went to Prison

The Netherwork: Deception Span (A clinic. A test subject peers into a visor connected by cables to a wall with a small window. On the other side of the wall, visible through the window, a man and a woman, in white lab coats, operate controls and discuss options.) Man: We need this hardware ready for the next news broadcast. Take it to half. (The woman slides a bar, causing a blinking surge of power.) Okay. Try it now. Woman: (Holding a red ball up to the window and speaking into a microphone) The ball is blue. What colour is the ball? Intercom: (Subject's voice) Blue? It looks red. (The woman gives her colleague an impatient look.) Man: All right, you can raise it to three quarters. (She eagerly slides the power bar higher.) Woman: (Holding up red ball) The ball is blue. What colour is the ball? Intercom: (Subject's voice) Uh... purple? Man: He's getting closer. All right, try it at full. Let's keep our fingers crossed. (She pushes the...

A Bloody Outrage How do you like all these old scripts coming back, everyone? Can you access them all from this page? This Blogger style doesn't have the links on the side. But I try to add them to my comedy index whenever I put them here. Has everyone noticed how I always include my name at the bottom of every page of my content? When I got started writing songs and sketches, I wanted to make a name for myself. But after seeing Mick Jagger get up on the stage and sing one of my songs to a stadium crowd over ten years ago, no one still knows my name. I wrote their music, and a lot of other popular music besides, and it played on the radio for years and years. Each song had my name at the bottom of its lyrics page and no one knows how to say my name yet. Does the classic rock station know why no one knows how to say my name yet? Could it be that because every time they were supposed to say it, so people would know the name of the author of a song that I wrot...

The Netherwork: Room for Expulsion I want all their fraud erased when I reproduce the original scripts that expose it. Enough repeats of network hate broadcasts. This is turning into a fucking hate crime against me, the way I see it. (A golf course. On their way down the fairway, execs pass a colourful clubhouse made to resemble a giant boot.) Exec 1: I'm surprised no one settled this land before we could build our golf course on it. Exec 2: Yes, it's pristine! It sure was a lucky find. (He chips his ball into the rough.) Oh, hell. (1 runs after it.) No! Let the caddy get it! (1 enters the trees, makes a brief search, and stumbles on a ragged, hungry group of elves huddled around a campfire.)    Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems More Scripts Statements Songs &#169 2007, 2018. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Mild Irritation I hope there haven't been any more of those dirty below-the-belt lies about me. It's the only way these responsible citizens know how to fight. Even though my bachelorhood is largely due to their offences against my image, they still want to shame me for it. I wouldn't interfere with their basic human needs like that. I would just move them all to Baffin Island. They might as well procreate if it's all they know how to do. Maybe they'll roll lucky with their DNA and have a good child - far away from me. I'm more humane than they are. I'm more responsible, too. I've faced some very bitter truths around the crimes and punishments of stars for their offences with my work. After all, they stuck their frantic fraud party in my face for years and years. Since it was my work and my life around which all of the broadcasting crimes are focussed, it would be easier for others to face the bitter facts in this case, but they can...

The Netherwork: Crazy about Music (A psychiatric institution for women. Outside a door marked TREATMENT ROOM, blood curdling screams of gibberish can faintly be heard. Momentarily, the door opens and a reporter emerges, followed by a physician. A screaming woman, tethered to her bed, is wheeled out behind them and taken away, out of earshot.) Physician: We're pleased that your network has taken an interest in our work with female patients. Did you get everything you need? Reporter: (Holding microphone attached to tape recorder) I think so. Physician: Great! We look forward to your broadcast. Reporter: So do we. (He shakes the doctor's hand and departs.) (A network talk show. A musical guest performs Orcastra to a silent crowd when a technician backstage flicks a switch, blasting out wild, frantic babbling from speakers concealed behind the seats. Tricked, the girls in the crowd all start to scream along. Hearing the effect, the technician smiles....

Networks Are Pussies Just need to make another important statement. Yes, these statements are important because they pertain to events which were shared by millions and millions of people around the world. My statement today is probably more important than whatever they're passing off to you as news right now. And as long as I have all of your attention, I would like to start by telling you that broadcasters are a bunch of pussies . Has everyone reviewed my Netherwork series so far? Netherwork/Metal Clash Values , Netherwork/Flush with Enthusiasm , Netherwork/Grounds for Dismissal , Netherwork/Extra Punishing , and Netherwork/Pure Mishap . I first shared them in 2007, to help me vent my anger over the regular abuse of my copyright by networks like NBC. And where did you see them? Did they include everything I wrote? Did they make full mention of network executives and network schools and network bathrooms? Why was the guy in the bathroom on the network versio...

Facebook Crime Starts on TV I should post a statement after that last round of comedy scripts: Netherwork/Metal Clash Values , Netherwork/Flush with Enthusiasm , the Fuehrerbummer , Netherwork/Grounds for Dismissal , How to Beat a Wehrmacht General at Chess , Netherwork/Extra Punishing , Netherwork/Pure Mishap , and Modern Modesty/Music . There might be some confusion about my copyright ownership of these scripts. I guess big networks like NBC want to make a mockery of copyright ownership. I recall Ellen getting a big cheer from her studio audience when she crushed that general's chess piece with a hammer. Did they think that was cool? Why didn't they think I was cool when I wrote it? And a couple of those vestal virgins who appeared in that sketch Jay Leno stole from me looked like they were from another NBC show. And they were not good looking, as I called for in my script. Maybe NBC needs to confuse everyone as much as possible about copyright ownership...

The Netherwork: Metal Clash Values Hopefully now you can see why I thought networks were so evil when I wrote this script eleven years ago. (A ring. Two gladiators engage in mortal combat. Gladiator 1 is armed with a shield and broadsword. Gladiator 2 has a net and trident. After a fierce exchange of clanks, 1 adroitly scores a slashing blow to 2's thigh, drawing blood. 2 recovers, limping, and tries to hold the other back with his trident. Ducking, 1 rushes in and brings his sword down hard on 2's collar. Blood spurts out and 2 drops his net to cover the wound with his hand, still poking away desperately with his trident. 1 falls flat to his stomach, rolls under the trident, gets up and sweeps his sword across 2's bare knees. 2 collapses, howling in agony. 1 puts his foot on the neck of his opponent and looks over to the president, sitting in a box seat. The president stands, raises his arm and lowers his thumb. At that, 1 plunges his sword into 2...

The Netherwork: Flush with Enthusiasm Their true evil must be a lot less funny to people now that everyone knows who wrote these scripts about them. I don't mind re-experiencing the laughs that first gave rise to these works, but consumers of my comedy would have had a lot more laughs by now if I didn't have to spend so much time recovering it. (In a rustic cottage, a network executive concludes an intimate interview with a journalist.) Journalist: I know that you broadcasters have been accused of being a bunch of elitist snobs, but now that you've invited me here and let me watch you split your own wood for the fireplace, I can see that those accusations were way out of line. Executive: Well, I hope that your readers will soon share your revelation. Journalist: Don't worry, they will. Mind if I use the bathroom before I go? Executive: No, not at all. (Pointing) It's down the hall, first door on your left. Journalist: Thank you. (He ...

The Fuehrerbummer It's Saturday and I wanted to post some extra scripts. I know you're used to them on Saturday. (The Fuehrerbunker, late April, 1945. A Russian shell has exploded close to the entrance, reverberating loudly in the war room, where a general braces at a table with a colonel.) General: Oh no. Colonel: Do you think it woke him? (Enter a visibly depleted Fuehrer. At the sight of him, the officers turn to each other in dismay.) Fuehrer: We are going to win the war! I've just had the most reassuring dream. We were parading in triumph through Moscow. The crowds were ecstatic! I tell you, it was just like the old days. General: Can you tell us how we did it, mine Fuehrer? Fuehrer: Not yet. I need to dream some more. Send a full pint of cream to my chamber. General: (Saluting) At once, mine Fuehrer. (Exit the Fuehrer. The general turns to the colonel and shakes his head with incredulity.) (An hour later. Another tremendous blast d...

How to Beat a Wehrmacht General at Chess There's this older British serial about the Channel Islands occupation called Enemy at the Door . (Don't you love the way they add that contrast to their outdoor scenes?) Besides being very relaxing, it offers a useful chess tip in one episode. Many players are intimidated by the elaborate uniform of a Wehrmacht general and its air of military mastery. There's no need for this. They have a weak middle game. Though intelligent, they rely too much on 'by the book' strategies, which makes their play ultimately predictable. For example, a typical opening for a Wehrmacht general would be 'king-pawn to king-pawn four.' Good, sensible forward thrust. Then he would deploy his knights first, availing of their jumping ability to sustain his defensive line of pawns. Once his two middle pawns are standing shoulder to shoulder, with knights behind them on either side, in perfect symmetry, without even paying...

The Netherwork: Grounds for Dismissal The children performed this well. How old are they now, NBC? (A schoolyard at recess. The network president and the principal observe the children at play.) President: We were the first big studio to build a school on our site. It's a great convenience for the parents on our staff. We want their children to have as normal an upbringing as possible. Principal: We do our best here, sir. President: What's that game they're playing over there? Principal: I don't know. (The children cluster on a hillside and stand there, facing two boys on the level ground below.) Boy 1: (Pushing) It's my turn! Boy 2: (Pushing back) No, it's my turn! Boy 1: Rock, paper, scissors? Boy 2: You're on. (They play.) Boy 1: Rock smashes scissors. (Reluctantly, Boy 2 stands in the front row with the other children. Boy 1 takes position behind a broken sawhorse and sprays imaginary machine gun bullets at the cl...

I'm Responsible My account told me that I was responsible for warning the Europeans about Google cookies. Okay. Watch out, Europeans. Your desktop background may, at any moment, be overtaken by cute, animated g's, o's, l's, and e's, possibly dancing and wearing party hats. Before your child sees the small 'l' grow into a capital, call the police. Tell them Google assaulted you and they'll know what you're talking about. And please translate this note into your language for the other readers. They may be in grave danger. By the way, how's that union working out over there? At least it keeps the peace for now. I'm sure it will last and prosper, even though it hasn't been tested yet. What if Switzerland gets tired of all the bank loans and wants to secede? Would they get Germany to support them? And how much longer will mere soccer victories be enough to placate the Germans? They know they're perfect, always accumul...

The Netherwork: Extra Punishing This script and the last one, Pure Mishap , may have a reversed meaning in the hands of their author. (A Siberian gulag in winter. Through the blustering elements, a parka wearing film crew shoots underdressed extras at work, building a brick wall.) Assistant: I have to hand it to you. You really know how to use those extras. This looks very convincing. Director: Yes, I try to shoot on location wherever possible. Extra: (Shivering) Are we done yet? Director: Not yet, but if you don't like the cold, we can always send you back to Egypt . (Pause. A look of terror seizes the extra's face, as he flashes back to a brutal pyramid construction scene in which he and his fellow extras were abused slaves.) Well? Extra: (Smiling nervously) No, no! I'm fine. Just curious. (An approaching guard makes him turn around and go back to work.)    Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Iss...

The Netherwork: Pure Mishap Since I heard the name 'Stuie' as a possible putdown from a passerby today, I'm going to repeat that Seth MacFarlane got punched out in prison. Now let's go after his supporters. I don't know if he took this one. (A network boardroom. A meeting has just concluded when one of the executives is delayed by the chairman.) Chairman: I hear you have an exotic new post production coordinator. Executive: Yes, from Haiti. Chairman: We'll be having a little informal gathering in the rotunda later. Could you ask her join us? Executive: Certainly. Can I come? Chairman: No. (The rotunda. From a torchlit alter, standing before a boiling cauldron, a colourfully costumed priestess addresses a congregation of robed and hooded executives and staff.) Priestess: With the power of the buh-joo , all can be yours. The spirit fathers know of the one who resists you. (With her arms outstretched to the ceiling, she says a f...

Modern Modesty: Music Hello once again and welcome to Modern Modesty . I'm Hi Galluper. Now, I heard that song on the radio again and I couldn't leave it alone. You know the one I'm talking about, that ELO song about Saint Peter. You can't talk to a saint like that! It stands to damn all of us if someone doesn't do something about it. That's why I took it upon myself to write a more acceptable version for good Christians below. Don't worry, I haven't changed the meaning at all. I could tell it was about street people. I made sure it still rocks and that the ending is just as dramatic. Enjoy. The driver was hot and lonely Taking the alleyway She came up and drew her top Looking for her pay The hanky-pank posed a danger A menacer of a thrill In his pant, put his hand Ready to dig for a bill And said, hey, St. Peter I wish that you would check If I'll be in more than just sin It really feels like heck It really feels ...

Swimming in Controversy I made a few little corrections to the Amnesia Machine this morning. I laughed pretty hard writing that one. And now I do recall seeing it on TV. They didn't hire swimsuit models for the studio scene, but it was still funny, with the sled and everything. It would have been funnier with swimsuit models because he would have been more believably smitten by them. I'm not sure if I included the electrocution scene in the 2007 post of this script. It's a good scene, but I might have thought it was over the top and left it out. I should say about women that I'm old enough to appreciate the plainer ones - and to know that they can still make a man very happy. In a stage performance, however, we must rely strictly on visual information for our stimulation. That's all there is to my swimsuit model preference. It's more intellectual than sexual, in this instance. The British seem to understand about how to present good riba...

The Amnesia Machine The guy who took this went to prison, too. Funny how some people want to shame me for being a bachelor when those sex offenders on TV did so well with my bachelor humour. By the way, you know where you need to shoot this? Germany. It's very multicultural there now. (At a table for two, a noisy quarrel between Hazy Banks and a woman indicates a crumbling romance. Finally, the woman gets up to leave.) Narrator: Hazy Banks knew how to handle life. Banks: Theresa, wait! (Exit Theresa.) (In his underwear, stretched out on the sofa, a catatonic Banks stares at late night TV in his messy home, with bloodshot eyes. He is viewed directly from the front, with the screen out of the shot, presumably behind the viewer.) Narrator: He knew that when the knowing got tough, the tough stop knowing, and flushed the whole depressing memory down the cerebral vortex of his amnesia machine. TV: (Banks eyes widen. Sexy bass and thumping drums suggest mo...